I did it, and i feel extremely proud of myself. i typed out my journal entry from a few months ago and it feels great to get it off of my chest. my thoughts and pain are now distant and blurry as i move on with my life.

my head is throbbing without pain. my lungs can’t soak in enough air and i find myself gasping and my chest contracting. my hands shake with false anticipation. my face is scrunched while i try to hold back tears that come from nowhere. my attempt fails and my vision is quickly blurred. i have no reason for this. i am numb. a heavy numbness where atmosphere presses down on my body and i can’t move, i can only be still and drown in the overwhelming emptiness. I want to claw myself out of this hole, but i’m too worn to try. i don’t want this anymore. i hear footsteps approaching and i pray to whatever higher power exists that the footsteps go away. that they don’t enter the haven that is my room. then it will be contaminated with him and i will have to flee and find another place for comfort. its not safe here anymore. hes found me. his words eat away at me. no matter how hard i try to drown them out, they never go away. whispering to me at night, i’m never good enough. i want to sink into my bed and hide forever so i won’t have to face this. i don’t have the strength. the tears on my face are drying in sticky patches. i want to scrub my face raw because of the shame. don’t look at me. i’m invisible. i try not to feel the weight of your eyes on me. i am as tiny as a speck of dust and you can’t find me. i am safe. no one can hurt me. i float away with the clouds and the stray balloons and kites and i feel free and look at the beauty of a world that isn’t mine, but my imagination claims it an i pretend for a while, until my string is pulled and come sailing to the ground and the kite is broken and dirty and useless and the poor kite is left wondering if anybody will ever want it because who wants a tattered kite?

i’m strongly debating posting the last excerpt. its extremely personal and it contains some of my darkest thoughts in my roughest times. i know I need to let it go, but its something i’ve never told anyone about. 

my body is shuddering and my throat is searing and the music in my ear is never loud enough. it is cutting me open and exposing the ugly demons that accumulate inside my head and suddenly i’m ashamed of myself. it is a disgusting mess and i can’t stand to be with myself anymore, I want to crawl out of my skin and nothing I do can fix it. 

I feel like a robot. I feel the more neutrality in my personality and demeanor, the more I go undetected. questions answered with a head shake or nod, the occasional “okay”. never elaborating past the question “milk or water?”. I avoid questioning, contact of any sort. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.